Sunday, January 13, 2008

Domino's Marketing Strategy

Dominos has made a bold move by re-indicting their world famous "30-Minutes" advertising campaign, seeing as how in 1993, the 30-Minutes or less guarantee was ended due to concerns over drivers breaking traffic laws, and subsequently placing their life on the line in order to fulfill the guarantee. I can totally relate; I'd risk my life in order to deliver a pizza too. I mean honestly, eternity in hell is nothing compared to a cold pizza and a disgruntled customer, right? Oh wait, turns out that the fine print on Domino's kinky little website clearly states the following:

"Because safety is a priority "You Got 30 Minutes™" is not a guarantee but an estimate."

Safety my eye. If you go down to Mexico or India, the 30-Minutes or Less Guarantee is just that, a Guarantee. We live in the United States of America, Home of the brave. Why can Mexicans be big bad and brave; and speed down the roads at life threatening speeds, while the USA sits around like a bunch of pussies, doing crap like "Obeying The Law" and "Considering Others". If you die, it's your fault, for getting in the way of me and my pizza. You deserved it for inconveniencing my life, and you're lucky I let you live this long.

Monday, January 7, 2008

What's your problem, Taco Bell?

So I was at a nearby store, buying some CDs, when I got the crazy idea to go up to the Taco Bell down the road. With wallet in hand and my stomach screaming for it's daily 8000 calories, I was off. First thing I do when I open the door was step in a burrito wrapper that was on the floor. I figured I'd give the cleaning lady a break, and decided not to snap her neck after all. It's four in the afternoon, and no customers were inside. Alone, I made my way to the counter. I'd soon find out why the place was empty. "May I help you?" I heard in a squeaky and unenthused voice. I was greeted by a middle aged, obese, unshaven and greasy employee named Jeff. 

"Yeah, three bean burritos, two chalupas, a soft taco and a large coke", I replied. 
"Three bean burritos, a chalupa, a sof--"
"Two chalupas."
"So that's two bean--"
"Three"
"Four bean bur--"
"Three"
"Three bean burritos, two chalupas, a taco--"
"Soft taco."
"Soft taco, and a Large Pepsi?"
"Coke."
"Pepsi's all we have, sir." (A victorius smile crept across his doughey face, accentuating his neckrolls quite nicely.)
"I'll take the Pepsi then." (Oh, it was on, now.)

Legend: Purple = Douche

I then watch him count fingers and toes to make change for a twenty, then I check my receipt to be sure he got it right. Now I'm not unreasonable, I give credit when credit is due, and gosh darn it, this man deserves some credit. It only took him four tries to get my order right, and that has to be a record fast for him. My food is delivered to me by his equally greasy, and middle-eastern cohort he called Marvin. "Marvin?" Who names their kid Marvin? Especially if you're Middle-Eastern. What happened to the cool names, like Baaklashza? >_> After stifling my laughter at his ridiculous name, I started checking to make sure my food is there, I get four bean burritos, two meximelts (WTF??), a soft taco, two chalupas and a large Pepsi. Looking back at my receipt, I paid for what I ordered, and got three items free. Go back you say? Why? So I can have them fix my order, and replace the extra food with a used condom and a Cabbage Patch Doll? Screw that.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Apple sued for being mean to Microsoft

Apple is being sued once again. Why you ask? Because they're being mean to Microsoft. :'( The lawsuit was filed by the ever-so-provacitavely named Stacie Somers, who sounds more like a porn star to me. Ms. Somers believes that Apple has too much market share in the portable media player, and online music and video market. Somers also takes her ever so precious time to inform us how unfair it is, that Apple's own 'dominant' MP3 player refuses to play Microsoft's (their biggest competition) own WMA format, even though doing so would cost them an $800,000 license to do so. That makes perfect sense. "Let's sue Apple because they won't drop eight hundred grand to support their competition's file format. SUE SUE SUE!!" Somers, (who's most likely some nitpicking prostitute on the streets of New York) also claims that Apple has violated the Sherman Act during their 'monopolistic' reign. But let's take a look at section two of this very Law.


"Section 2 of the Sherman Act makes it unlawful for a company to "monopolize, or attempt to monopolize," trade or commerce. As that law has been interpreted, it is not necessarily illegal for a company to have a monopoly or to try to achieve a monopoly position. The law is violated only if the company tries to maintain or acquire a monopoly position through unreasonable methods. For the courts, a key factor in determining what is unreasonable is whether the practice has a legitimate business justification."


So in other words, unless Apple is going to unreasonable extremes to maintain this monopoly, which I don't believe they are, than this lawsuit will sink faster than my career on broadway would. Of course that's all up to the Judge to decide. But if he sides with Somers on this, I vote we all move to Canada. Yes, Canada. The home of fishing and great alcohol. Using this mindset, I say we sue Microsoft, for appealing to so many PC vendors, and monopolizing 90% of the computer market share; and make them let us choose whether or our computers come installed with Windows, Linux, FreeBSD, or just function as a traditional microwave. Ready, set, SUE!

Friday, January 4, 2008

Microsoft's ads are irritating


You know what really gets under my skin? Microsoft's new web ads. Just one look at this one should tell you why. This advertisement depicts a middle aged woman with multi-colored hair holding a poster for Halo. This advertisement is also so kind to let us know her name is Angela, and that she's a tester for Microsoft's XBox Live service. Now don't get me wrong here, I'm sure Microsoft is trying to make it look like they're showcasing everyday normal people, but honestly; I'd be scared to death to know this woman is testing our XBox Live service. I want to be able to frag people in Halo, without wondering if they look like the creepy lady in this ad. I don't know about you, but this makes me want to unsubscribe from XBox Live, not subscribe to it. For all I know, the Host is dressed like Flash Gordon, and my teammate is a crossdresser who lives down the road. God help us all. =/