Thursday, March 13, 2008

Bleach Sucks

Bored out of my mind lately, I took a friend up on the suggestion of watching a cartoon known as Bleach. Despite the fact that it's a Japanese cartoon Anime, I went against my better judgement, and checked it out for myself. To this day, I still hate myself.


Bleach is focused around a troubled 15-year-old High School student named Ichigo, who ever since he was a child, has had heightened spiritual senses, and has been able to see spirits since as long as he can remember. Ichigo's family is attacked by a super huge ghost called a Hollow, because his "Sprit Power" is unnaturally high, and of course, Hollows like nothing more than Spirit-Rich human souls to devour.


His neck is saved at the last moment, thanks to a Death God named Rukia, who soon finds the Hollow to be too much for her, because she's a nagging, inexperienced whore who belongs in the kitchen making me dinner. Knowing this, she transfers her Death God powers to Ichigo, in order to save their worthless hides. After vanquishing the Hollow, Rukia is stuck in the human world, unable to go back to the Soul Society in which she came from. In order to survive in the living world, she dons the shortest skirt I've ever seen, and begins to attend school with Ichigo. 


Two months later, she's hunted down by fellow Death Gods, and snatched back to the Soul Society; awaiting execution for her crime of transferring her powers. Ichigo then takes it upon himself to train with a local shopkeeper who conveniently happens to be an ex-Death God, in order to prepare himself for his Journey to Soul Society to save Rukia. Lucky for Ichigo, half of his class, including a guy who likes to sew, have "heightened spiritual senses" too, and they all miraculously develop super powers overnight, to assist Ichigo on his journey to save a girl they knew for two months. (It's that short skirt, I knew it.)


On his Journey, Ichigo runs into several enemy Death Gods. Every Death God has a sword called a Soul Slayer. Soul Slayers are the show's equivalent of a penis. Throughout the series, Death Gods are constantly comparing their sword's sizes, and the bigger dick sword always wins. Just like my own dick, Soul Slayers have multiple forms and powers known as Bankai, which include tricks such as turning into a giant snake, or shattering into a trillion pieces; mutilating the opponent. Every Death God names their penis sword too. (I named mine Henry.) In order to use their weapon's special powers, your girlfriend the Death God must call out my penis' their sword's name, and add a cheesy verb beforehand, magically activating the power. For example, I like to yell "Blastoff, Henry!" before each one-on-one match, ensuring maximum results.


After a week's worth of training, Ichigo finds himself strong enough to defeat the Death God leaders, who are the strongest beings alive, including an elderly man, who likes to fight with no shirt on, and yell ancient Japanese parables to his enemies during each battle. Throughout the entire series, Ichigo goes from undefeatable, to barely able to stay alive, trains for literally one or two days, comes back, slaughters the enemy who almost killed him the night before, goes on to fight another squad leader, and repeats. This reminds me of the last time I went grocery shopping. In the produce isle, an old lady hit me with her cane, causing a bruise. Defeated, I walked home in shame. Well now, I'm going to train for two days, storm right back down to that produce isle, unsheathe Henry, and show that old windbag my Bankai


The story ends with Ichigo saving Rukia after all. Wanting to thank him, Rukia allows Ichigo to rape her face.

The End.